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9/21/03 - Well, I'm single again as of last Friday. Not necessarily by choice. I'm not gonna get into it here.
heres the crux of it. (unedited and directly from aim, except i took the names out)
her: i gotta talk to you
me: i heard
me: i've been wondering about it all day
her: i want to apologize to you for how i haven't seem to have had time for you like the past two weeks, but also to tell you that i don't forsee that changing anytime soon, and it's not fair to you
me: well at least it isnt all in my head
her: no it's not
her:you need someone who has more time for you
me: i am a high maintenance bitch
her: no, i've just got things going on that are too time consuming
me: i think you feel different too
her: i don't know what i feel
me:i used to not be able to go 10 minutes without getting a <3 or "i miss you " text message
me: now my last 4 messages are from jeff
her: it's not the feeling, it's the time
her: i know that sounds lame
her: but it's true
me: yeah it does sound lame
me: good call
her: i wish i had more time to devote to us, but i don't
me: if you loved someone you would move heaven and earth to be with them
her: obviously i can't do that
her:i do what i can, and unfortunately it's not enough
me: i'm assuming this is going somewhere ?
her: to an end, i'd presume
me: you're the one steering this conversation
her: i just think you need someone who can give herself to you as much as you deserve, and i just don't feel like that person is me
me:get brave, tell me you dont feel strongly enough about me to continue this relationship
her: if that's what you want me to say, then fine
her: put words in my mouth and make yourself feel better
me: if i was gonna make myself feel better i'd put different words in your mouth
her:it's not that i don't feel strongly enough about you to continue this relationship so don't presume that......i have a lot on my plate right now and unfortunately the only thing on my list of expendables is us
her: so i'm gonna go now and feel free to hate me as much as you want
____ signed off at 3:01:49 PM.
9/27/03 - I read Krisha's live journal instead and apparently I got dumped for a guy named Tom. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. It *is* pretty much what I expected though. Bleah... what a craptacular Saturday.
9/28/03 - Hey, I guess I'm not the only person who e-stalks. I knew the internet was here for something. I have it on good word that I didn't get dumped for another guy. Not only that, but I'll apologize for thinking I was. What I won't apologize for is speculating in general. I just dont understand the circumstances surrounding my own dumping. I guess that leaves me grasping at straws so I can make sense of it all in my own head. I'm not sure what guy exactly would believe this. In fact, nobody that reads it can explain it to me. And she's avoiding me. I don't get it. Don't I at least deserve a conversation? I guess despite what this says, I deserve nothing.... yeah ok, I was gonna post it just like that, but I'm not done. If I use only what I learned from e-stalking, all I can tell is that *she* is very upset. Also, per our one brief conversation she has no actual beef with me. So then why would she dump me and make herself feel like crap? People shouldnt feel like crap if they don't have to. You know, she did tell me once that she gets into fine relationships then something happens. I'm paraphrasing badly, but it had to do with not wanting to be the one who gets hurt, so on some level her brain would convince her she needed to end things. Could it be I'm the victim of serial commitment-phobia? Could it be I'm getting dumped now for the exact same reason I got dumped by her in August. Balls... Dump me once shame on you, dump me twice shame on me. I'm sure she'll read this eventually and I'll find out... get some quip somewhere briefly refuting my statements here. I won't post about this anymore though. If she's just gonna avoid me it does no good to sit around speculating. I should suck it up and move on.
9/29/03- Yeah I talked to Tom. Tom is a great person and laid it all out for me. I feel a million times better about our breakup because I actually understand it, and its not as bad as my imagination let it be. All in all, things are gonna be pretty ok. You guys arent gonna read it, in fact I redid this page this way to reduce its prominence on my page.
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